The end is near and some can't see the truth. I long for the time when I can openly express my wishes and feelings without it being thrown in my face. I am done, I am so done. I want this done. I want this over. I want, more than anything, to be free from the cage and the oppression that has become my life. I have asked for space, and given none... Constant calls, emails, IMs, whispers and "virtual" contact is suffocating my very resolve and being.
I have thought about going back, but I know if I do, I will slip back into the void of complatency that I was in before. I don't feel that I am "throwing away" anything, I feel like I am being liberated. If the best time we ever had was our honeymoon, then it has been all down hill from there. I just want to be free. Please allow me the freedom to fly away. I want to take off and grow. I want OUT! PLEASE LET ME OUT!!! LET THIS END!!!!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
My life in Limbo
Ok, So I am having a complex here.
For so long I have been oppresed and shoved down and insulted that I feel like I deserve everything that I am receiving. I feel like a flower that has been starved for the nourishment that it needs and deserves. I don't need to feel shoved down and lonely... According to Nick, I deserve more than I am getting. I deserve the love and attention needed for me to blossom and I am just not getting that where I am right now.
Aaron and I had a "discussion" where he asked if I loved him, and I couldn't honestly answer that. I feel numb, like you do when you get into your car in the middle of the summer after it has been sitting in the sun, only with out the heat and the warmth. I realized a couple days ago, that I am worth so much more than the insults and the coldness that I have been receiving lately. I am loyal, but there comes a point in your life where you just can't take it anymore. I need to be able to spread my wings and fly, but can't in the cage which holds me back.
Marriage is supposed to be "Till Death Do We Part" but is this physical death or emotional death? A part of me that has been dying for a long time has withered to near nothingness. I have discovered that I am worth the freedom which the disappearance of this part of my life will bring. I know what I need and am willing to wait and search for it. If it finds me, I want to be ready for it. I want to be willing to take it in, and not be trapped by the bonds of a one-sided marriage.
I am beautiful! I am smart! I am wonderful! I am NOT free, but am picking the lock of the shackels that attach me to where I stand! Please help me gain my freedom, and let me FLY!!!
For so long I have been oppresed and shoved down and insulted that I feel like I deserve everything that I am receiving. I feel like a flower that has been starved for the nourishment that it needs and deserves. I don't need to feel shoved down and lonely... According to Nick, I deserve more than I am getting. I deserve the love and attention needed for me to blossom and I am just not getting that where I am right now.
Aaron and I had a "discussion" where he asked if I loved him, and I couldn't honestly answer that. I feel numb, like you do when you get into your car in the middle of the summer after it has been sitting in the sun, only with out the heat and the warmth. I realized a couple days ago, that I am worth so much more than the insults and the coldness that I have been receiving lately. I am loyal, but there comes a point in your life where you just can't take it anymore. I need to be able to spread my wings and fly, but can't in the cage which holds me back.
Marriage is supposed to be "Till Death Do We Part" but is this physical death or emotional death? A part of me that has been dying for a long time has withered to near nothingness. I have discovered that I am worth the freedom which the disappearance of this part of my life will bring. I know what I need and am willing to wait and search for it. If it finds me, I want to be ready for it. I want to be willing to take it in, and not be trapped by the bonds of a one-sided marriage.
I am beautiful! I am smart! I am wonderful! I am NOT free, but am picking the lock of the shackels that attach me to where I stand! Please help me gain my freedom, and let me FLY!!!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Lose Control
~Evanescence
You don't remember my name
I don't really care
Can we play the game your way
Can I really lose control?
Just once in my life
I think it'd be nice
Just to Lose control, just once
With all the pretty flowers in the dust
Mary had a lamb
His eyes black as coal
If we play very quiet, my lamb
Mary never has to know
Just once in my life
I think it'd be nice
Just to lose control, just once!
If I cut you down to a thing I can use
I fear there'll be nothing good left of you...
You don't remember my name
I don't really care
Can we play the game your way
Can I really lose control?
Just once in my life
I think it'd be nice
Just to Lose control, just once
With all the pretty flowers in the dust
Mary had a lamb
His eyes black as coal
If we play very quiet, my lamb
Mary never has to know
Just once in my life
I think it'd be nice
Just to lose control, just once!
If I cut you down to a thing I can use
I fear there'll be nothing good left of you...
Monday, November 9, 2009
My song of the day...
Never Let This Go
~Paramore
Maybe if my heart stops beating it won't hurt this much
and never will I have to answer again to anyone
Please don't get me wrong
Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
One day you'll get sick of saying that everythings alright
and by then I'm sure I'll be pretending just like I am tonight
Please don't get me wrong
Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
Let this go...
Let this go......
I'll never let this go
but I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
~Paramore
Maybe if my heart stops beating it won't hurt this much
and never will I have to answer again to anyone
Please don't get me wrong
Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
One day you'll get sick of saying that everythings alright
and by then I'm sure I'll be pretending just like I am tonight
Please don't get me wrong
Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
Let this go...
Let this go......
I'll never let this go
but I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
Monday, October 26, 2009
I have decided!
Ok, I have decided that I am done being the type of friend that listens to the problems of everybody else, but never gets listened to... It really hurts me when a "friend" tells me something important and then shuts me down, stops talking to me or tells me then to mind my own business. I mean what the hell? Am I really your friend? Are you really mine? I am at my wits end dealing with this type of bull crap. I am done. I have 3 "friends" in particular that this is directed to. I am tired, worn out, and emotionally unable to handle your type of baggage at the moment. Please take your baggage away, and if this means that I am not being a good friend, maybe next time you should try NOT to abuse my effing friendship! I am done dealing with this. that is it. I wish I could stop caring, so this is going to be hard for me. I will be sad not to hear from you anymore, and I don't even think that you will read this, but whatever...
Monday, September 7, 2009
Life is good!
So, since I have to blog this semester, I will be posting more on this page. I feel amazing! This has been an absolutely amazing weekend! The quiz that I was supposed take by tonight at midnight has been postponed till thursday, and I have gotten the rest of my stuff done for this week.
I also had my good friend Nick move to Houston, and to my great relief he is funnier and more awesome in person (as opposed to online). I have high hopes for this friendship! :D He gets along great with Liz and Eric, which is great, and I hope that the rest of my friends will like him just as much.
Also, since I had my injury to my wrist, I have been working less than normal and I am now finally beginning to be able to do more massages during the day. I am getting back to normal. :D Well that is all I have to say for now :D Later guys!
I also had my good friend Nick move to Houston, and to my great relief he is funnier and more awesome in person (as opposed to online). I have high hopes for this friendship! :D He gets along great with Liz and Eric, which is great, and I hope that the rest of my friends will like him just as much.
Also, since I had my injury to my wrist, I have been working less than normal and I am now finally beginning to be able to do more massages during the day. I am getting back to normal. :D Well that is all I have to say for now :D Later guys!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Oy vay!
Well, it is my birthday and I am sitting in class, trying to think of things to post to my classes blog... Hmm... We are supposed to introduce ourselves and tell what our strengths are/will be. The first thing that comes to mind is sitting around Heidi's table playing cards with the girls, with me throwing out useless, but interesting tidbits of information (such as 10 things you didn't know about a boys ya ya)
Also, we are supposed to say what is our area of most interest in our area of study, but I have so many areas of interest, that I don't know which way to go? American Revolution, cause I know alot? Queen Elizabeth I, b/c she is so amazing? or should I write about what I am learning, like the 1960s? Oh, I don't know... But I will figure it out :D
Also, we are supposed to say what is our area of most interest in our area of study, but I have so many areas of interest, that I don't know which way to go? American Revolution, cause I know alot? Queen Elizabeth I, b/c she is so amazing? or should I write about what I am learning, like the 1960s? Oh, I don't know... But I will figure it out :D
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