I am able to breathe again! Last night was an emotional rollercoaster. And I feel like I have been given a chance to discover what I want and need. I know what I need from my relationships and I think I know what I want....
Hmmmm *happy thought* :P
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
The Ending
The end is near and some can't see the truth. I long for the time when I can openly express my wishes and feelings without it being thrown in my face. I am done, I am so done. I want this done. I want this over. I want, more than anything, to be free from the cage and the oppression that has become my life. I have asked for space, and given none... Constant calls, emails, IMs, whispers and "virtual" contact is suffocating my very resolve and being.
I have thought about going back, but I know if I do, I will slip back into the void of complatency that I was in before. I don't feel that I am "throwing away" anything, I feel like I am being liberated. If the best time we ever had was our honeymoon, then it has been all down hill from there. I just want to be free. Please allow me the freedom to fly away. I want to take off and grow. I want OUT! PLEASE LET ME OUT!!! LET THIS END!!!!
I have thought about going back, but I know if I do, I will slip back into the void of complatency that I was in before. I don't feel that I am "throwing away" anything, I feel like I am being liberated. If the best time we ever had was our honeymoon, then it has been all down hill from there. I just want to be free. Please allow me the freedom to fly away. I want to take off and grow. I want OUT! PLEASE LET ME OUT!!! LET THIS END!!!!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
My life in Limbo
Ok, So I am having a complex here.
For so long I have been oppresed and shoved down and insulted that I feel like I deserve everything that I am receiving. I feel like a flower that has been starved for the nourishment that it needs and deserves. I don't need to feel shoved down and lonely... According to Nick, I deserve more than I am getting. I deserve the love and attention needed for me to blossom and I am just not getting that where I am right now.
Aaron and I had a "discussion" where he asked if I loved him, and I couldn't honestly answer that. I feel numb, like you do when you get into your car in the middle of the summer after it has been sitting in the sun, only with out the heat and the warmth. I realized a couple days ago, that I am worth so much more than the insults and the coldness that I have been receiving lately. I am loyal, but there comes a point in your life where you just can't take it anymore. I need to be able to spread my wings and fly, but can't in the cage which holds me back.
Marriage is supposed to be "Till Death Do We Part" but is this physical death or emotional death? A part of me that has been dying for a long time has withered to near nothingness. I have discovered that I am worth the freedom which the disappearance of this part of my life will bring. I know what I need and am willing to wait and search for it. If it finds me, I want to be ready for it. I want to be willing to take it in, and not be trapped by the bonds of a one-sided marriage.
I am beautiful! I am smart! I am wonderful! I am NOT free, but am picking the lock of the shackels that attach me to where I stand! Please help me gain my freedom, and let me FLY!!!
For so long I have been oppresed and shoved down and insulted that I feel like I deserve everything that I am receiving. I feel like a flower that has been starved for the nourishment that it needs and deserves. I don't need to feel shoved down and lonely... According to Nick, I deserve more than I am getting. I deserve the love and attention needed for me to blossom and I am just not getting that where I am right now.
Aaron and I had a "discussion" where he asked if I loved him, and I couldn't honestly answer that. I feel numb, like you do when you get into your car in the middle of the summer after it has been sitting in the sun, only with out the heat and the warmth. I realized a couple days ago, that I am worth so much more than the insults and the coldness that I have been receiving lately. I am loyal, but there comes a point in your life where you just can't take it anymore. I need to be able to spread my wings and fly, but can't in the cage which holds me back.
Marriage is supposed to be "Till Death Do We Part" but is this physical death or emotional death? A part of me that has been dying for a long time has withered to near nothingness. I have discovered that I am worth the freedom which the disappearance of this part of my life will bring. I know what I need and am willing to wait and search for it. If it finds me, I want to be ready for it. I want to be willing to take it in, and not be trapped by the bonds of a one-sided marriage.
I am beautiful! I am smart! I am wonderful! I am NOT free, but am picking the lock of the shackels that attach me to where I stand! Please help me gain my freedom, and let me FLY!!!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Lose Control
~Evanescence
You don't remember my name
I don't really care
Can we play the game your way
Can I really lose control?
Just once in my life
I think it'd be nice
Just to Lose control, just once
With all the pretty flowers in the dust
Mary had a lamb
His eyes black as coal
If we play very quiet, my lamb
Mary never has to know
Just once in my life
I think it'd be nice
Just to lose control, just once!
If I cut you down to a thing I can use
I fear there'll be nothing good left of you...
You don't remember my name
I don't really care
Can we play the game your way
Can I really lose control?
Just once in my life
I think it'd be nice
Just to Lose control, just once
With all the pretty flowers in the dust
Mary had a lamb
His eyes black as coal
If we play very quiet, my lamb
Mary never has to know
Just once in my life
I think it'd be nice
Just to lose control, just once!
If I cut you down to a thing I can use
I fear there'll be nothing good left of you...
Monday, November 9, 2009
My song of the day...
Never Let This Go
~Paramore
Maybe if my heart stops beating it won't hurt this much
and never will I have to answer again to anyone
Please don't get me wrong
Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
One day you'll get sick of saying that everythings alright
and by then I'm sure I'll be pretending just like I am tonight
Please don't get me wrong
Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
Let this go...
Let this go......
I'll never let this go
but I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
~Paramore
Maybe if my heart stops beating it won't hurt this much
and never will I have to answer again to anyone
Please don't get me wrong
Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
One day you'll get sick of saying that everythings alright
and by then I'm sure I'll be pretending just like I am tonight
Please don't get me wrong
Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
Let this go...
Let this go......
I'll never let this go
but I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
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