Thursday, December 17, 2009

New Beginnings

Ok, so this holiday season has been a little stressful, but I feel very liberated. I am working hard to separate myself from my past, so I can start this next year as a totally new person. (Although I really don't think my personality will change much except I am MUCH happier.) So I have good news. This week 3 things great have happened to me: (1) I lost another 5 pounds, so I am down a total of 40 from this summer (WOOT!) (2) I separated Aaron and my fianances, and I am taking the majority of the debt so he can afford to live (aren't I nice). and (3) I have just now gotten done cleaning out "our" closet, so it is now MY closet. Nice huh? I am proud. I can be anal about what my closet looks like now. hehe.

So, now all I have to do is find a "do it yourself" divorce website for Texas.... I actually can't wait, but I am now going shopping with Kay, so I will have to leave for now! :P

Friday, December 11, 2009

Confrontationand contemplation

So today, as I was washing my hands I looked at myself in the mirror (which I don't do often), and I caught a glimpse of the person I think I am when I have the rose colored glasses on. The only thing is that those glasses are not with in reach, so the fog is starting to lift and the ugliness is beginning to fade.

I feel as if, over the last couple weeks, I have been trying to make my way through a darkened maze. I was following a light that I saw as my salvation. A couple days ago, I thought that light had been extinguished by my stupidity and recklessness. But did it really dissapear? Or did it just turn a corner, and I have to follow it? Either way the fight carries on, with no promise that pain will not return. The only promise that needs to be kept now is my promise to be true to myself, move from the fantasy that I thought could become reality and move onto true reality. I need to focus on what is here, and tangible. If that fantasy comes back to tempt me with sweet nothing, I will have to resist, until it presents itself as reality.

I will not give into the hopelessness of the pit in which I have fallen! This pain is temporary and the only way to go from here is up.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Sorrow and confusion

Some days I wonder if I made the right choice. There are days when leaving Aaron seems like the best thing I have ever done, but then I think, "Will anyone else ever love me?" And I can't answer that question. I am such a needy person. I put on a mask like I don't need anyone or anything, and that I am the happiest person in the world when inside I am being torn apart by emotions and I feel like I am dying!

I abslutely hate it when people tell you that there is nothing wrong with you when there is obviously some major flaw that you are completely oblivious to, but it sure as hell is aparent to everyone else. Then those sweet, yet annoying words come from one person, and you start to believe them. You follow blindly into a world where you are not flawed, but beautiful and perfect. Then the rose-colored glasses are yanked from your eyes and you see yourself for what you truely are. And it is what you feared, but you can't put your finger on the problem because your eyes haven't adjusted to the dark fog that is obsuring every sense that you have. Then you realize that you are the monster of the nightmares of your childhood. The person you thought you would never be. Then you try and picture your future, but you can't because you can't see past the nasty thing you have become. I used to have a future, but I can't even visualize what tomorrow will bring.

I was once told that you can see "visions" if you are spiritually in the right place, but they might not come true if the decisions we make aren't the correct ones? What if we want that vision so badly that we try too hard to get it, so we break the glass covering, and destroy that vision? Can we get it back? Is it repairable? Can we survive past the cuts and bruises produced from combining flesh and glass? I want my vision back! Please tell me it is not lost! It hurts so much, that I can barely breathe... The advice to take it one day at a time isn't applicable, I have to move one hour, one minute, one second at a time, and the pain is not receeding, but getting worse. But I can't let it show because I have to be in a good mood. I shouldn't feel this way. It is what I deserve. Karma, right? Every pain inflicted upon me is the result of me causing pain to someone else.

I guess I realized that:
"I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell... I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around."
"Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance. My mistake I didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand. I had so many dreams about you and me, Happy Endings.... Now I know... I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town, I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around."
~Taylor Swift, White Horse

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Breath of Fresh Air

I am able to breathe again! Last night was an emotional rollercoaster. And I feel like I have been given a chance to discover what I want and need. I know what I need from my relationships and I think I know what I want....

Hmmmm *happy thought* :P

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Ending

The end is near and some can't see the truth. I long for the time when I can openly express my wishes and feelings without it being thrown in my face. I am done, I am so done. I want this done. I want this over. I want, more than anything, to be free from the cage and the oppression that has become my life. I have asked for space, and given none... Constant calls, emails, IMs, whispers and "virtual" contact is suffocating my very resolve and being.

I have thought about going back, but I know if I do, I will slip back into the void of complatency that I was in before. I don't feel that I am "throwing away" anything, I feel like I am being liberated. If the best time we ever had was our honeymoon, then it has been all down hill from there. I just want to be free. Please allow me the freedom to fly away. I want to take off and grow. I want OUT! PLEASE LET ME OUT!!! LET THIS END!!!!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

My life in Limbo

Ok, So I am having a complex here.

For so long I have been oppresed and shoved down and insulted that I feel like I deserve everything that I am receiving. I feel like a flower that has been starved for the nourishment that it needs and deserves. I don't need to feel shoved down and lonely... According to Nick, I deserve more than I am getting. I deserve the love and attention needed for me to blossom and I am just not getting that where I am right now.

Aaron and I had a "discussion" where he asked if I loved him, and I couldn't honestly answer that. I feel numb, like you do when you get into your car in the middle of the summer after it has been sitting in the sun, only with out the heat and the warmth. I realized a couple days ago, that I am worth so much more than the insults and the coldness that I have been receiving lately. I am loyal, but there comes a point in your life where you just can't take it anymore. I need to be able to spread my wings and fly, but can't in the cage which holds me back.

Marriage is supposed to be "Till Death Do We Part" but is this physical death or emotional death? A part of me that has been dying for a long time has withered to near nothingness. I have discovered that I am worth the freedom which the disappearance of this part of my life will bring. I know what I need and am willing to wait and search for it. If it finds me, I want to be ready for it. I want to be willing to take it in, and not be trapped by the bonds of a one-sided marriage.

I am beautiful! I am smart! I am wonderful! I am NOT free, but am picking the lock of the shackels that attach me to where I stand! Please help me gain my freedom, and let me FLY!!!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Lose Control


You don't remember my name
I don't really care
Can we play the game your way
Can I really lose control?

Just once in my life
I think it'd be nice
Just to Lose control, just once
With all the pretty flowers in the dust

Mary had a lamb
His eyes black as coal
If we play very quiet, my lamb
Mary never has to know

Just once in my life
I think it'd be nice
Just to lose control, just once!

If I cut you down to a thing I can use
I fear there'll be nothing good left of you...