Some days I wonder if I made the right choice. There are days when leaving Aaron seems like the best thing I have ever done, but then I think, "Will anyone else ever love me?" And I can't answer that question. I am such a needy person. I put on a mask like I don't need anyone or anything, and that I am the happiest person in the world when inside I am being torn apart by emotions and I feel like I am dying!
I abslutely hate it when people tell you that there is nothing wrong with you when there is obviously some major flaw that you are completely oblivious to, but it sure as hell is aparent to everyone else. Then those sweet, yet annoying words come from one person, and you start to believe them. You follow blindly into a world where you are not flawed, but beautiful and perfect. Then the rose-colored glasses are yanked from your eyes and you see yourself for what you truely are. And it is what you feared, but you can't put your finger on the problem because your eyes haven't adjusted to the dark fog that is obsuring every sense that you have. Then you realize that you are the monster of the nightmares of your childhood. The person you thought you would never be. Then you try and picture your future, but you can't because you can't see past the nasty thing you have become. I used to have a future, but I can't even visualize what tomorrow will bring.
I was once told that you can see "visions" if you are spiritually in the right place, but they might not come true if the decisions we make aren't the correct ones? What if we want that vision so badly that we try too hard to get it, so we break the glass covering, and destroy that vision? Can we get it back? Is it repairable? Can we survive past the cuts and bruises produced from combining flesh and glass? I want my vision back! Please tell me it is not lost! It hurts so much, that I can barely breathe... The advice to take it one day at a time isn't applicable, I have to move one hour, one minute, one second at a time, and the pain is not receeding, but getting worse. But I can't let it show because I have to be in a good mood. I shouldn't feel this way. It is what I deserve. Karma, right? Every pain inflicted upon me is the result of me causing pain to someone else.
I guess I realized that:
"I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell... I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around."
"Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance. My mistake I didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand. I had so many dreams about you and me, Happy Endings.... Now I know... I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town, I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around."
~Taylor Swift, White Horse