Thursday, November 12, 2009

My life in Limbo

Ok, So I am having a complex here.

For so long I have been oppresed and shoved down and insulted that I feel like I deserve everything that I am receiving. I feel like a flower that has been starved for the nourishment that it needs and deserves. I don't need to feel shoved down and lonely... According to Nick, I deserve more than I am getting. I deserve the love and attention needed for me to blossom and I am just not getting that where I am right now.

Aaron and I had a "discussion" where he asked if I loved him, and I couldn't honestly answer that. I feel numb, like you do when you get into your car in the middle of the summer after it has been sitting in the sun, only with out the heat and the warmth. I realized a couple days ago, that I am worth so much more than the insults and the coldness that I have been receiving lately. I am loyal, but there comes a point in your life where you just can't take it anymore. I need to be able to spread my wings and fly, but can't in the cage which holds me back.

Marriage is supposed to be "Till Death Do We Part" but is this physical death or emotional death? A part of me that has been dying for a long time has withered to near nothingness. I have discovered that I am worth the freedom which the disappearance of this part of my life will bring. I know what I need and am willing to wait and search for it. If it finds me, I want to be ready for it. I want to be willing to take it in, and not be trapped by the bonds of a one-sided marriage.

I am beautiful! I am smart! I am wonderful! I am NOT free, but am picking the lock of the shackels that attach me to where I stand! Please help me gain my freedom, and let me FLY!!!

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