Ok, so this holiday season has been a little stressful, but I feel very liberated. I am working hard to separate myself from my past, so I can start this next year as a totally new person. (Although I really don't think my personality will change much except I am MUCH happier.) So I have good news. This week 3 things great have happened to me: (1) I lost another 5 pounds, so I am down a total of 40 from this summer (WOOT!) (2) I separated Aaron and my fianances, and I am taking the majority of the debt so he can afford to live (aren't I nice). and (3) I have just now gotten done cleaning out "our" closet, so it is now MY closet. Nice huh? I am proud. I can be anal about what my closet looks like now. hehe.
So, now all I have to do is find a "do it yourself" divorce website for Texas.... I actually can't wait, but I am now going shopping with Kay, so I will have to leave for now! :P
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Confrontationand contemplation
So today, as I was washing my hands I looked at myself in the mirror (which I don't do often), and I caught a glimpse of the person I think I am when I have the rose colored glasses on. The only thing is that those glasses are not with in reach, so the fog is starting to lift and the ugliness is beginning to fade.
I feel as if, over the last couple weeks, I have been trying to make my way through a darkened maze. I was following a light that I saw as my salvation. A couple days ago, I thought that light had been extinguished by my stupidity and recklessness. But did it really dissapear? Or did it just turn a corner, and I have to follow it? Either way the fight carries on, with no promise that pain will not return. The only promise that needs to be kept now is my promise to be true to myself, move from the fantasy that I thought could become reality and move onto true reality. I need to focus on what is here, and tangible. If that fantasy comes back to tempt me with sweet nothing, I will have to resist, until it presents itself as reality.
I will not give into the hopelessness of the pit in which I have fallen! This pain is temporary and the only way to go from here is up.
I feel as if, over the last couple weeks, I have been trying to make my way through a darkened maze. I was following a light that I saw as my salvation. A couple days ago, I thought that light had been extinguished by my stupidity and recklessness. But did it really dissapear? Or did it just turn a corner, and I have to follow it? Either way the fight carries on, with no promise that pain will not return. The only promise that needs to be kept now is my promise to be true to myself, move from the fantasy that I thought could become reality and move onto true reality. I need to focus on what is here, and tangible. If that fantasy comes back to tempt me with sweet nothing, I will have to resist, until it presents itself as reality.
I will not give into the hopelessness of the pit in which I have fallen! This pain is temporary and the only way to go from here is up.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Sorrow and confusion
Some days I wonder if I made the right choice. There are days when leaving Aaron seems like the best thing I have ever done, but then I think, "Will anyone else ever love me?" And I can't answer that question. I am such a needy person. I put on a mask like I don't need anyone or anything, and that I am the happiest person in the world when inside I am being torn apart by emotions and I feel like I am dying!
I abslutely hate it when people tell you that there is nothing wrong with you when there is obviously some major flaw that you are completely oblivious to, but it sure as hell is aparent to everyone else. Then those sweet, yet annoying words come from one person, and you start to believe them. You follow blindly into a world where you are not flawed, but beautiful and perfect. Then the rose-colored glasses are yanked from your eyes and you see yourself for what you truely are. And it is what you feared, but you can't put your finger on the problem because your eyes haven't adjusted to the dark fog that is obsuring every sense that you have. Then you realize that you are the monster of the nightmares of your childhood. The person you thought you would never be. Then you try and picture your future, but you can't because you can't see past the nasty thing you have become. I used to have a future, but I can't even visualize what tomorrow will bring.
I was once told that you can see "visions" if you are spiritually in the right place, but they might not come true if the decisions we make aren't the correct ones? What if we want that vision so badly that we try too hard to get it, so we break the glass covering, and destroy that vision? Can we get it back? Is it repairable? Can we survive past the cuts and bruises produced from combining flesh and glass? I want my vision back! Please tell me it is not lost! It hurts so much, that I can barely breathe... The advice to take it one day at a time isn't applicable, I have to move one hour, one minute, one second at a time, and the pain is not receeding, but getting worse. But I can't let it show because I have to be in a good mood. I shouldn't feel this way. It is what I deserve. Karma, right? Every pain inflicted upon me is the result of me causing pain to someone else.
I guess I realized that:
"I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell... I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around."
"Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance. My mistake I didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand. I had so many dreams about you and me, Happy Endings.... Now I know... I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town, I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around."
~Taylor Swift, White Horse
I abslutely hate it when people tell you that there is nothing wrong with you when there is obviously some major flaw that you are completely oblivious to, but it sure as hell is aparent to everyone else. Then those sweet, yet annoying words come from one person, and you start to believe them. You follow blindly into a world where you are not flawed, but beautiful and perfect. Then the rose-colored glasses are yanked from your eyes and you see yourself for what you truely are. And it is what you feared, but you can't put your finger on the problem because your eyes haven't adjusted to the dark fog that is obsuring every sense that you have. Then you realize that you are the monster of the nightmares of your childhood. The person you thought you would never be. Then you try and picture your future, but you can't because you can't see past the nasty thing you have become. I used to have a future, but I can't even visualize what tomorrow will bring.
I was once told that you can see "visions" if you are spiritually in the right place, but they might not come true if the decisions we make aren't the correct ones? What if we want that vision so badly that we try too hard to get it, so we break the glass covering, and destroy that vision? Can we get it back? Is it repairable? Can we survive past the cuts and bruises produced from combining flesh and glass? I want my vision back! Please tell me it is not lost! It hurts so much, that I can barely breathe... The advice to take it one day at a time isn't applicable, I have to move one hour, one minute, one second at a time, and the pain is not receeding, but getting worse. But I can't let it show because I have to be in a good mood. I shouldn't feel this way. It is what I deserve. Karma, right? Every pain inflicted upon me is the result of me causing pain to someone else.
I guess I realized that:
"I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell... I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around."
"Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance. My mistake I didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand. I had so many dreams about you and me, Happy Endings.... Now I know... I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town, I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around."
~Taylor Swift, White Horse
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