Ok, so this holiday season has been a little stressful, but I feel very liberated. I am working hard to separate myself from my past, so I can start this next year as a totally new person. (Although I really don't think my personality will change much except I am MUCH happier.) So I have good news. This week 3 things great have happened to me: (1) I lost another 5 pounds, so I am down a total of 40 from this summer (WOOT!) (2) I separated Aaron and my fianances, and I am taking the majority of the debt so he can afford to live (aren't I nice). and (3) I have just now gotten done cleaning out "our" closet, so it is now MY closet. Nice huh? I am proud. I can be anal about what my closet looks like now. hehe.
So, now all I have to do is find a "do it yourself" divorce website for Texas.... I actually can't wait, but I am now going shopping with Kay, so I will have to leave for now! :P
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Confrontationand contemplation
So today, as I was washing my hands I looked at myself in the mirror (which I don't do often), and I caught a glimpse of the person I think I am when I have the rose colored glasses on. The only thing is that those glasses are not with in reach, so the fog is starting to lift and the ugliness is beginning to fade.
I feel as if, over the last couple weeks, I have been trying to make my way through a darkened maze. I was following a light that I saw as my salvation. A couple days ago, I thought that light had been extinguished by my stupidity and recklessness. But did it really dissapear? Or did it just turn a corner, and I have to follow it? Either way the fight carries on, with no promise that pain will not return. The only promise that needs to be kept now is my promise to be true to myself, move from the fantasy that I thought could become reality and move onto true reality. I need to focus on what is here, and tangible. If that fantasy comes back to tempt me with sweet nothing, I will have to resist, until it presents itself as reality.
I will not give into the hopelessness of the pit in which I have fallen! This pain is temporary and the only way to go from here is up.
I feel as if, over the last couple weeks, I have been trying to make my way through a darkened maze. I was following a light that I saw as my salvation. A couple days ago, I thought that light had been extinguished by my stupidity and recklessness. But did it really dissapear? Or did it just turn a corner, and I have to follow it? Either way the fight carries on, with no promise that pain will not return. The only promise that needs to be kept now is my promise to be true to myself, move from the fantasy that I thought could become reality and move onto true reality. I need to focus on what is here, and tangible. If that fantasy comes back to tempt me with sweet nothing, I will have to resist, until it presents itself as reality.
I will not give into the hopelessness of the pit in which I have fallen! This pain is temporary and the only way to go from here is up.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Sorrow and confusion
Some days I wonder if I made the right choice. There are days when leaving Aaron seems like the best thing I have ever done, but then I think, "Will anyone else ever love me?" And I can't answer that question. I am such a needy person. I put on a mask like I don't need anyone or anything, and that I am the happiest person in the world when inside I am being torn apart by emotions and I feel like I am dying!
I abslutely hate it when people tell you that there is nothing wrong with you when there is obviously some major flaw that you are completely oblivious to, but it sure as hell is aparent to everyone else. Then those sweet, yet annoying words come from one person, and you start to believe them. You follow blindly into a world where you are not flawed, but beautiful and perfect. Then the rose-colored glasses are yanked from your eyes and you see yourself for what you truely are. And it is what you feared, but you can't put your finger on the problem because your eyes haven't adjusted to the dark fog that is obsuring every sense that you have. Then you realize that you are the monster of the nightmares of your childhood. The person you thought you would never be. Then you try and picture your future, but you can't because you can't see past the nasty thing you have become. I used to have a future, but I can't even visualize what tomorrow will bring.
I was once told that you can see "visions" if you are spiritually in the right place, but they might not come true if the decisions we make aren't the correct ones? What if we want that vision so badly that we try too hard to get it, so we break the glass covering, and destroy that vision? Can we get it back? Is it repairable? Can we survive past the cuts and bruises produced from combining flesh and glass? I want my vision back! Please tell me it is not lost! It hurts so much, that I can barely breathe... The advice to take it one day at a time isn't applicable, I have to move one hour, one minute, one second at a time, and the pain is not receeding, but getting worse. But I can't let it show because I have to be in a good mood. I shouldn't feel this way. It is what I deserve. Karma, right? Every pain inflicted upon me is the result of me causing pain to someone else.
I guess I realized that:
"I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell... I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around."
"Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance. My mistake I didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand. I had so many dreams about you and me, Happy Endings.... Now I know... I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town, I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around."
~Taylor Swift, White Horse
I abslutely hate it when people tell you that there is nothing wrong with you when there is obviously some major flaw that you are completely oblivious to, but it sure as hell is aparent to everyone else. Then those sweet, yet annoying words come from one person, and you start to believe them. You follow blindly into a world where you are not flawed, but beautiful and perfect. Then the rose-colored glasses are yanked from your eyes and you see yourself for what you truely are. And it is what you feared, but you can't put your finger on the problem because your eyes haven't adjusted to the dark fog that is obsuring every sense that you have. Then you realize that you are the monster of the nightmares of your childhood. The person you thought you would never be. Then you try and picture your future, but you can't because you can't see past the nasty thing you have become. I used to have a future, but I can't even visualize what tomorrow will bring.
I was once told that you can see "visions" if you are spiritually in the right place, but they might not come true if the decisions we make aren't the correct ones? What if we want that vision so badly that we try too hard to get it, so we break the glass covering, and destroy that vision? Can we get it back? Is it repairable? Can we survive past the cuts and bruises produced from combining flesh and glass? I want my vision back! Please tell me it is not lost! It hurts so much, that I can barely breathe... The advice to take it one day at a time isn't applicable, I have to move one hour, one minute, one second at a time, and the pain is not receeding, but getting worse. But I can't let it show because I have to be in a good mood. I shouldn't feel this way. It is what I deserve. Karma, right? Every pain inflicted upon me is the result of me causing pain to someone else.
I guess I realized that:
"I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell... I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around."
"Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance. My mistake I didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand. I had so many dreams about you and me, Happy Endings.... Now I know... I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town, I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around."
~Taylor Swift, White Horse
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Breath of Fresh Air
I am able to breathe again! Last night was an emotional rollercoaster. And I feel like I have been given a chance to discover what I want and need. I know what I need from my relationships and I think I know what I want....
Hmmmm *happy thought* :P
Hmmmm *happy thought* :P
Monday, November 16, 2009
The Ending
The end is near and some can't see the truth. I long for the time when I can openly express my wishes and feelings without it being thrown in my face. I am done, I am so done. I want this done. I want this over. I want, more than anything, to be free from the cage and the oppression that has become my life. I have asked for space, and given none... Constant calls, emails, IMs, whispers and "virtual" contact is suffocating my very resolve and being.
I have thought about going back, but I know if I do, I will slip back into the void of complatency that I was in before. I don't feel that I am "throwing away" anything, I feel like I am being liberated. If the best time we ever had was our honeymoon, then it has been all down hill from there. I just want to be free. Please allow me the freedom to fly away. I want to take off and grow. I want OUT! PLEASE LET ME OUT!!! LET THIS END!!!!
I have thought about going back, but I know if I do, I will slip back into the void of complatency that I was in before. I don't feel that I am "throwing away" anything, I feel like I am being liberated. If the best time we ever had was our honeymoon, then it has been all down hill from there. I just want to be free. Please allow me the freedom to fly away. I want to take off and grow. I want OUT! PLEASE LET ME OUT!!! LET THIS END!!!!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
My life in Limbo
Ok, So I am having a complex here.
For so long I have been oppresed and shoved down and insulted that I feel like I deserve everything that I am receiving. I feel like a flower that has been starved for the nourishment that it needs and deserves. I don't need to feel shoved down and lonely... According to Nick, I deserve more than I am getting. I deserve the love and attention needed for me to blossom and I am just not getting that where I am right now.
Aaron and I had a "discussion" where he asked if I loved him, and I couldn't honestly answer that. I feel numb, like you do when you get into your car in the middle of the summer after it has been sitting in the sun, only with out the heat and the warmth. I realized a couple days ago, that I am worth so much more than the insults and the coldness that I have been receiving lately. I am loyal, but there comes a point in your life where you just can't take it anymore. I need to be able to spread my wings and fly, but can't in the cage which holds me back.
Marriage is supposed to be "Till Death Do We Part" but is this physical death or emotional death? A part of me that has been dying for a long time has withered to near nothingness. I have discovered that I am worth the freedom which the disappearance of this part of my life will bring. I know what I need and am willing to wait and search for it. If it finds me, I want to be ready for it. I want to be willing to take it in, and not be trapped by the bonds of a one-sided marriage.
I am beautiful! I am smart! I am wonderful! I am NOT free, but am picking the lock of the shackels that attach me to where I stand! Please help me gain my freedom, and let me FLY!!!
For so long I have been oppresed and shoved down and insulted that I feel like I deserve everything that I am receiving. I feel like a flower that has been starved for the nourishment that it needs and deserves. I don't need to feel shoved down and lonely... According to Nick, I deserve more than I am getting. I deserve the love and attention needed for me to blossom and I am just not getting that where I am right now.
Aaron and I had a "discussion" where he asked if I loved him, and I couldn't honestly answer that. I feel numb, like you do when you get into your car in the middle of the summer after it has been sitting in the sun, only with out the heat and the warmth. I realized a couple days ago, that I am worth so much more than the insults and the coldness that I have been receiving lately. I am loyal, but there comes a point in your life where you just can't take it anymore. I need to be able to spread my wings and fly, but can't in the cage which holds me back.
Marriage is supposed to be "Till Death Do We Part" but is this physical death or emotional death? A part of me that has been dying for a long time has withered to near nothingness. I have discovered that I am worth the freedom which the disappearance of this part of my life will bring. I know what I need and am willing to wait and search for it. If it finds me, I want to be ready for it. I want to be willing to take it in, and not be trapped by the bonds of a one-sided marriage.
I am beautiful! I am smart! I am wonderful! I am NOT free, but am picking the lock of the shackels that attach me to where I stand! Please help me gain my freedom, and let me FLY!!!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Lose Control
~Evanescence
You don't remember my name
I don't really care
Can we play the game your way
Can I really lose control?
Just once in my life
I think it'd be nice
Just to Lose control, just once
With all the pretty flowers in the dust
Mary had a lamb
His eyes black as coal
If we play very quiet, my lamb
Mary never has to know
Just once in my life
I think it'd be nice
Just to lose control, just once!
If I cut you down to a thing I can use
I fear there'll be nothing good left of you...
You don't remember my name
I don't really care
Can we play the game your way
Can I really lose control?
Just once in my life
I think it'd be nice
Just to Lose control, just once
With all the pretty flowers in the dust
Mary had a lamb
His eyes black as coal
If we play very quiet, my lamb
Mary never has to know
Just once in my life
I think it'd be nice
Just to lose control, just once!
If I cut you down to a thing I can use
I fear there'll be nothing good left of you...
Monday, November 9, 2009
My song of the day...
Never Let This Go
~Paramore
Maybe if my heart stops beating it won't hurt this much
and never will I have to answer again to anyone
Please don't get me wrong
Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
One day you'll get sick of saying that everythings alright
and by then I'm sure I'll be pretending just like I am tonight
Please don't get me wrong
Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
Let this go...
Let this go......
I'll never let this go
but I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
~Paramore
Maybe if my heart stops beating it won't hurt this much
and never will I have to answer again to anyone
Please don't get me wrong
Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
One day you'll get sick of saying that everythings alright
and by then I'm sure I'll be pretending just like I am tonight
Please don't get me wrong
Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
Let this go...
Let this go......
I'll never let this go
but I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
Monday, October 26, 2009
I have decided!
Ok, I have decided that I am done being the type of friend that listens to the problems of everybody else, but never gets listened to... It really hurts me when a "friend" tells me something important and then shuts me down, stops talking to me or tells me then to mind my own business. I mean what the hell? Am I really your friend? Are you really mine? I am at my wits end dealing with this type of bull crap. I am done. I have 3 "friends" in particular that this is directed to. I am tired, worn out, and emotionally unable to handle your type of baggage at the moment. Please take your baggage away, and if this means that I am not being a good friend, maybe next time you should try NOT to abuse my effing friendship! I am done dealing with this. that is it. I wish I could stop caring, so this is going to be hard for me. I will be sad not to hear from you anymore, and I don't even think that you will read this, but whatever...
Monday, September 7, 2009
Life is good!
So, since I have to blog this semester, I will be posting more on this page. I feel amazing! This has been an absolutely amazing weekend! The quiz that I was supposed take by tonight at midnight has been postponed till thursday, and I have gotten the rest of my stuff done for this week.
I also had my good friend Nick move to Houston, and to my great relief he is funnier and more awesome in person (as opposed to online). I have high hopes for this friendship! :D He gets along great with Liz and Eric, which is great, and I hope that the rest of my friends will like him just as much.
Also, since I had my injury to my wrist, I have been working less than normal and I am now finally beginning to be able to do more massages during the day. I am getting back to normal. :D Well that is all I have to say for now :D Later guys!
I also had my good friend Nick move to Houston, and to my great relief he is funnier and more awesome in person (as opposed to online). I have high hopes for this friendship! :D He gets along great with Liz and Eric, which is great, and I hope that the rest of my friends will like him just as much.
Also, since I had my injury to my wrist, I have been working less than normal and I am now finally beginning to be able to do more massages during the day. I am getting back to normal. :D Well that is all I have to say for now :D Later guys!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Oy vay!
Well, it is my birthday and I am sitting in class, trying to think of things to post to my classes blog... Hmm... We are supposed to introduce ourselves and tell what our strengths are/will be. The first thing that comes to mind is sitting around Heidi's table playing cards with the girls, with me throwing out useless, but interesting tidbits of information (such as 10 things you didn't know about a boys ya ya)
Also, we are supposed to say what is our area of most interest in our area of study, but I have so many areas of interest, that I don't know which way to go? American Revolution, cause I know alot? Queen Elizabeth I, b/c she is so amazing? or should I write about what I am learning, like the 1960s? Oh, I don't know... But I will figure it out :D
Also, we are supposed to say what is our area of most interest in our area of study, but I have so many areas of interest, that I don't know which way to go? American Revolution, cause I know alot? Queen Elizabeth I, b/c she is so amazing? or should I write about what I am learning, like the 1960s? Oh, I don't know... But I will figure it out :D
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Amazement
I am utterly amazed at the way life throws little curve balls at you. First, I felt really accomplished today. I was able to download the first 2 books of the Twilight series onto my computer (iTunes) because I am needing to transfer all my music to my new comp. This is something I have been trying to accomplish for almost 6 months now. Also, I was able to get most of my paper for my political science class out of the way. When I got home from hanging out on campus, I found they released the schedule for the summer and fall. I was able to put together my schedule for the next 9 months (so can't get pregnant, it's not in the plan...lol) and I found that if I work REALLY hard over the summer, I can graduate even sooner then expected! This is 2ce this has happened in the last 3 months! I will finish everything by december and then go on to the teaching program and graduate in Dec 2010. I also got a ton done in the library at church, even though, to some it might not seem like a lot.
I got home from taking Aaron to work, and I bought the movie Duchess and it is a very bittersweet, but true story about a Duches in late 18th century England. It is a very good movie, as long as you are not looking for something feel good... It made me almost cry (and for those who DON'T know, I don't cry often) So, I tried checking my email to kind of "cheer" myself up.
I get this email asking for a friend request on Facebook... Ok, so here is where my rant starts! What in the world makes people think that if I didn't talk to them in high school, that I would want to be their friend on Facebook?!?! Like, what type of brain damage must you have to ask random people to be your friends? I have fabulous friends now, who love me for who I am. Do I look so desperate that I need to be friends who treated me like the biggest piece of garbage in high school, just because my 10 year reunion is coming up? I also have a problem with people acting like they are or were friends with someone in our high school that have become famous... I have NO desire to even claim that I was ever this persons friend or that he was "my boy". I really get annoyed with people throwig themselves over famous people. That is probably hippo-critical of me b/c I have gone crazy over people like Nabashin...
Now I am watching She's The Man to lift my spirits, but I don't know if I am going to make it through it considering it is like 2 AM.
I got home from taking Aaron to work, and I bought the movie Duchess and it is a very bittersweet, but true story about a Duches in late 18th century England. It is a very good movie, as long as you are not looking for something feel good... It made me almost cry (and for those who DON'T know, I don't cry often) So, I tried checking my email to kind of "cheer" myself up.
I get this email asking for a friend request on Facebook... Ok, so here is where my rant starts! What in the world makes people think that if I didn't talk to them in high school, that I would want to be their friend on Facebook?!?! Like, what type of brain damage must you have to ask random people to be your friends? I have fabulous friends now, who love me for who I am. Do I look so desperate that I need to be friends who treated me like the biggest piece of garbage in high school, just because my 10 year reunion is coming up? I also have a problem with people acting like they are or were friends with someone in our high school that have become famous... I have NO desire to even claim that I was ever this persons friend or that he was "my boy". I really get annoyed with people throwig themselves over famous people. That is probably hippo-critical of me b/c I have gone crazy over people like Nabashin...
Now I am watching She's The Man to lift my spirits, but I don't know if I am going to make it through it considering it is like 2 AM.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Posting
You know, so many people asked me to start this blog, and I don't seem to get any comments... Well, I guess if I blogged more often and posted pictures of my snotty child I would get more comments. Anywho, I am at this moment avoiding homework that I was supposed to start 45 minutes ago. So then, I am off to read about SPARTA! (Gotta love greek history)
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Back to School
Ok, so I started so many things in the last few weeks. Beginning January 1st I now teach Continuing Education to Massage Therapists. I have had 2 classes (both at the bodyworlds exhibit) and they have been fairly successful. I really enjoyed it, but seeing Bodyworlds 3 times in 4 weeks was a little much and I got fairly bored.
This week I have started back at UH, and I am taking 5 classes in one day (but they are both Tuesday/Thursday classes). I have French 3 (only 2 semesters left!!!!), Intro to Political Theory, Ancient Greece (History), Microeconomics (shoot me now!) and I am auditing a US History from 1877 class.
So far it hasn't been too bad. One surprise I have gotten is that there will be reading quizzes in both History and PoliSci... I have never had reading quizzes before, and in both classes they are POP quizzes. I have made As and Bs for all of my UH career with out actually reading the books they assign, so I guess I need to get on the ball this semester, especially in PoliSci. Anywho. That is what is going on with me, I don't know when I will be back to blog again, so you will just have to enjoy this one :D
This week I have started back at UH, and I am taking 5 classes in one day (but they are both Tuesday/Thursday classes). I have French 3 (only 2 semesters left!!!!), Intro to Political Theory, Ancient Greece (History), Microeconomics (shoot me now!) and I am auditing a US History from 1877 class.
So far it hasn't been too bad. One surprise I have gotten is that there will be reading quizzes in both History and PoliSci... I have never had reading quizzes before, and in both classes they are POP quizzes. I have made As and Bs for all of my UH career with out actually reading the books they assign, so I guess I need to get on the ball this semester, especially in PoliSci. Anywho. That is what is going on with me, I don't know when I will be back to blog again, so you will just have to enjoy this one :D
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